Angry Birthday

Today is Lily’s 10th birthday. You wanted to live until she turned 8, so she would have a chance to remember you. You blew that goal out of the water.
I have no doubt she will always remember you, but I’m sorry you can’t be here. I loathe all the people who should’ve died instead of you. This world has some shit ass humans. Why can’t we have anything nice?

I surprised her with a trip to Great Wolf Lodge. I’m not sure if I’m trying to live by your example or if I’m trying to fill your shoes; either way, it felt like I was competing with your ghost. You made every birthday sparkle, and I don’t want her to notice your absence because I can’t deliver the Meme experience. I pulled out all the stops, tried to give her everything she could want.

I ordered a three-tiered cake with a wolf howling at the moon. Avery will come over to eat it with us tonight. I have mixed feelings about that. He would not keep our dogs this weekend, because he had a date. I will always be alone to create solutions after the people who broke their promises exit stage left. I’m offended that he wrote you a story about our wedding day, promised you on your death bed that he would take care of Lily and me, then dumped me before I picked up your ashes… Forgive me if I’m bitter.

I want us to stop gravitating toward each other. Want him to stop telling me he loves me. Want to stop finding it so easy to fall asleep on his chest. I want a world where he doesn’t pretend that he super cares about my kid or me, because I don’t want to fall for any bullshit anyone. Not his or anyone else’s.