Ugly Tortoise

I realized how I felt on the beach that night he wrapped me in his jacket, and we sat huddled in the sand. The night we howled songs into the midnight salty air from the open sunroof of the truck, and we had a third wheel. I wanted to be alone with him, a longing that became too familiar in the years that followed.

I realized it during that full-body hug where we both lingered beyond reason, and I could feel his heart thumping. Or was it mine?

He got undressed in front of me once, but I was too shocked to think. I averted my gaze, but his body is scorched into my memory. Only Satan himself would create a man that beautiful. But for the record, that was not one of the hundreds of moments that I wanted to reach out and touch him, to hold his hand, to kiss him, or feel the weight of his body on mine.

That will never be the weight that’s crushing me. Let me tell you what is…

I told myself he could never choose me. His life was too intertwined with someone else, someone altogether superior to me— in every way that matters to him. I didn’t allow myself to think further about what a future together would look like or what the upheaval would cost us if he tried to break free from the life he loves. The life I do not fit inside. I told myself that he could never choose me, but I hoped he would.
I have never been so sad to be right.

Now, I am in his aquarium. He plucked me up and stuck me in his life. I am the tortoise a kid picked out, not realizing it would live too fucking long. Worst of all, he doesn’t even love me.

Should I be planning my escape? Isn’t life as a tortoise just…. same sand different hole? Maybe I’ll stay.

I wish you could shower me with your wisdom. Love you & Goodnight, Meme.