Run Forrest Run

Hey Mom,

I have been trying to see and accept when people I loved do not love me back.The only person I recall doing that to you was Kara. You filled her vase with a bouquet of love, friendship, and mentorship, and she hurled that vase into the garbage when you least expected it. I will despise her forever (you were too nice for that).

I spent half a decade loving someone, as a blurry-lined best friend. We both had our annoyances with each other. Eventually the photos trickled to a stop, the song-sharing ended, the daily phone calls ended, the text messages trickled into nothing, and eventually it felt like a cold hellscape to stand beside each other. It was opposite-land. I recoiled at the hugs he gave me to feign normalcy.

They say that anger is a secondary emotion. I experienced it in waves—- Peaking with a desire to cry and beg him to admit that it was never all in my head; crashing with the desire to scream at him that he’s an asshole for denying at all and ruining everything we had. Anyone could see it.
He’s lucky the right person never thought to look.

Forgetting someone so important will take time. I wish I could Eternal Sunshine a lot of people out of life at this moment.

Trying to imagine your advise. I think you’d say that I can’t regret loving someone, and hating someone doesn’t hurt anyone but me. You’d tell me I could improve on my ability to “know when to hold ‘em; know when to fold ‘em. Know when to walk away. Know when to run.”

Right now I’m running from everything. Later, I’ll figure out when to stop. When the time is right.